Today is day 100. The kids are tucked in, the dishes are done, the dog is fed, and now the house is quiet. 100 days have past since I got that life changing call - since Josh's life and all of our lives were dramatically changed... for the better.
There are things that God is still growing us on - but I'll just speak personally. One thing that I was surprised to FEEL the other day was "Shock" or "disbelief" and maybe even a bit of "anger". I was in the car - I think I had just gotten home from somewhere - and heard on KLOVE that they were organizing a mission trip to Afghanistan. The story of their plans unfolded and I admit that I felt a wee bit of ugly feelings. God is softening this, and while I say "anger" it's not that harsh of a feeling. I'll get there.
A few other things God's changed - 1) I no longer try to "control" life... for real this time, and 2) He's also guided me in routinely giving everything over to Him. Two feats in which I'm you'll all agree, are easy to claim that you've done, but hard to accomplish on a routine basis.
It's easy to say that you give God control of your life... but do you? If a loved one were severely hurt tomorrow, would you immediately go to the Lord in prayer and find peace in knowing that Thy will be done?
There's more to it than that, but I've gotten there. And getting there was the problem - God had to break me like a horse. He brought me to a place where he had stripped me of all excuses, distractions, "crutches"... to a place where he had my complete attention... something like when I need to have one of "those" talks with one of the girls - I bring them aside to a quiet place, pull them up on my lap, make eye contact, and then speak into their hearts about what they've done wrong, what is going to happen now, and what I expect in the future... God gave me one of those talks and it involved many tears. But, on the other side emerged new behavior - the behavior desired by my heavenly father.
Two weeks ago Addison had a bout of poor behavior while we were out - it was nothing serious, but it was frustrating. When we got home, she asked if she could have her slice of dessert (since we brought it home with us). I replied no, but then brought her into her room to have one of those "talks" I mentioned before, and to tuck her in. I specifically asked her why she was acting the way she was and her response was along the lines of "...because I wanted ...." I don't remember what she wanted, honestly. But the outcome was that we brought things full circle for her to realize that she won't always get what she wants. Now, maybe it was being denied an amazing slice of chocolate cake (in which Josh got to eat by the way...), and maybe it was the "talk", but whatever it was, SOMETHING clicked for her! The past 2 weeks have been amazing - it has been complete joy to parent these past few weeks.
I have a feeling that this situation of Addison "getting it" and my satisfaction in seeing her connect the dots was a whole lot like ME actually getting it and GOD finding JOY in his child's realization!
He's also softened my heart... ok, he's tenderized it with a meat mallet... but this connects back to having to control things. On a normal day - before wheelchairs and handicapped parking - I had a routine and it worked. Don't get me wrong - routines are good and often times critical to success! We know all too well as there are many steps to just get this family out the door these days! But the control issue was that while I controlled a lot of little meaningless things, I gave little thought to the bigger things that should be turned over to God and I really didn't bring God into the little everyday things (like meals, and where/when we needed to be places, etc.).
We listened to KLOVE in the car before the attack. We've always prayed over our meals and throughout the day. Our kiddos know that if they get a boo boo, the first thing to do is to pray over it. Those are kneejerk reactions. But was I really inviting God into those types of little things? My kids were, that's for sure.
I do the same things today that I did 100 days ago, but the difference is that God is in all of the little things. We all still need to eat and be in specific places at certain times (perhaps more so now...), but the outcome of these things and how I feel about them has been turned over... THAT is where the control was.
So how did God strip me of this systematic way of doing things and demand that I sit on his lap and make eye contact?? Like I said before, He. Broke. Me. And, well I suppose that took the actual breaking of my husband!
A very good friend once shared a lesson with me - the "I make plans and God laughs" lesson. Living a military life, this is an ongoing joke as there always seems to be a move that we're coming off of or gearing up for - and moves need planning, ok, control.
It was this very same friend that guided me down the path and told me once again, that God. IS. IN. CONTROL. Not me.
When I got the very first phone call after the IED attack, it was a Saturday morning, and it showed up as a random number that I didn't recognize. I knew that I wouldn't be hearing from Josh for a few days so when I heard his deep, slow voice, I knew something had happened. The connection was bad, but before the line was dropped, he was able to communicate to me that his truck was blown up and that he was hurt, but okay and that he was headed to Germany. Then the line was dropped. He called back, the line was dropped again. At this point, I'm realizing that they only send them to Germany if it's really an issue. The third attempt at a call, a good friend was there with him and was able to tell me he was okay - a little queezy, and a headache, but okay. So my response was, if he's okay, why are they sending him to Germany? Friend: Well, he's okay, but his foot's messed up. Finding humor, I asked if it was still attached. Yes, yes it was. Thank you Lord. lol
The next few days were full of me controlling things and making alternate "plans" for the "what ifs" because I didn't know exactly when I would be able to see Josh. I think at one point, I even pulled my passport out - you know, just in case. I made a detailed schedule on how to care for our girls and set up emergency numbers, etc etc - all "planning" that would need to be done, but again, God wasn't in it, because I was letting the stress of the situation control my actions. I had held it together - in fact, until I got to the hospital, I had cried all of maybe 15 seconds - thankfully it was on a voicemail to a friend which was later deleted. phew!
That weekend I was dog sitting for Hilary and Blair - good friends for years. When it's just me and I'm watching their dog "Trouble", I let Tanner and Trouble sleep in the bed with me. That night - Both dogs knew I needed some extra snuggles but when Tanner was jumping up into our bed, he didn't quite make it on the first attempt. In hindsight, this is when he hurt himself.
The next day, Sunday, Day 2 - Tanner started limping and that night he stopped walking. His last steps were from the kitchen to the hallway where he waited for me to carry him to bed. Josh was in Baghram getting surgery on his left foot. While he was there, he was able to skype with me for a few seconds - long enough for me to get a quick look at his swollen and bandaged head and his braced up self. At this point, his upper body was braced for the spinal injuries. We were also able to talk for awhile, which gave great peace of mind.
Day 3, Monday. Tanner only got worse. Hilary was able to bring him to the vet for me as I just couldn't swing it. He came back an for the next few days I gave him pills and injections at different intervals throughout the day hoping that the nerve sensation would come back. Monday was also the day Josh made it to Germany.
Day 4 - By Tuesday, we knew how things would play out - for the most part. We knew Josh would be boarding a plane soon, headed for the US - where he would end up and when - not sure. We didn't know if he'd stay on the east coast for awhile (hours or days) and if he'd continue on to San Antonio or not. If I had only let God take the wheel, I would have saved myself much stress here. By that evening, he'd landed in San Antonio.
Day 5, Wednesday - My Dad drove down from Albuquerque and my grandma flew in from New York. Together, they would be ringmastering my circus while I was away. Tanner wasn't getting better, in fact worse. He had lost control of his bladder and bowels and cried if he was left alone. The Army cut my orders and booked my flight to San Antonio.
Day 6 - Thursday morning, I kissed my kiddos, pet the dog and flew off to San Antonio - little did I know, that was the last time I'd see Tanner. I arrived in SA and after dropping off my bags, went over to the hospital to find that Josh had gone in for surgery later than planned - while our Liaison was showing me around the hospital, my good friend Terri had tracked me down. She then for the next few weeks (and to this day) continued to minister to my heart and our family along with her husband Jim. She brought me down for dinner, visited with me during the long hours Josh was in surgery, waited with me as they moved him back up to his room and later held me while I sobbed after hearing that Tanner would have to be put down.
This was the day that they operated on Josh's hand and did his spinal fusion. And actually, while sitting in the waiting room, the head anesthesiologist (thank you spell check!) approached us - turns out, she was the friend of Josh's current XO. It's the small things that bring warmth to my heart. Didn't see her again, but just knowing she was there was nice.
I don't remember how late I stayed that night, but it was dark, and Josh hadn't stirred for hours, so I walked down the road to the hotel and had no trouble sleeping. In fact, I didn't even need to break into the 4 pack of Merlot that my friend Kelly brought over before I left. Their small size and durable plastic bottling made them the perfect travel companions.
The next day was Friday - while touring the warrior and family service center the vet called. He confirmed what I already knew and told me what I needed to hear. Tanner wouldn't get better and yes, they could do surgery but it wouldn't help and it wouldn't fix the problem.
The previous day, Terri had reminded me of a story that she had previously shared with me about our pets and the role that they play in our lives. It was a story that put my intangible feelings and thoughts into perspective and while there was no decision that needed to be made, it helped form our thoughts and put things into perspective. That afternoon, during the short time that Josh was awake, Hilary called so that we could say goodbye to Tanner together. Josh quickly fell back asleep and thankfully, his parents, Mike and Karen arrived around then.
The first few days, Josh was in and out of sleep, heavily medicated. Around Sunday, he was able to stay awake and have some longer conversations... just in time for them to bring him back into surgery on Monday for the other foot. We all took many naps, switched seats, locations of chairs and even took turns napping in the reclining wheelchair!
We had many visitors, new friends, old friends, friends of friends, strangers... we were blessed beyond belief!!!
About a week into our visit is when God put me on his lap and looked into my eyes and gave me the talk. The mountain of stress had become more than I could bare - surprised? At home, in my controlled environment, things were predictable. In San Antonio, not so much. I didn't have kids to dress, feed, taxi around... My focus had shifted from controlling the lives of my children to souly my husband, who at the time wasn't eating much and was sleeping quite a bit. This left little for me to control/plan. And since I couldn't "control" my children, I stressed. A lot. And then began to stress about future possibilities, and cried, a lot. You should also know something about me - until this point in life, I didn't really do much crying in general. Here and there, but not much. So through sobs, this is when that good friend reminded me once again of that valuable lesson "I make plans, and God laughs." She reigned me back in. She fed me verses and reminded me that I wasn't in control, God was. I had always heard the motto "one day at a time" and even frequently reminded myself of this... Not until I gave God the wheel and let go, did that become my true mantra.
From then on, I left all of the suitcases with my savior. Each day, as tough as they were and as challenging as they continue to be, is a new day. ...and sometimes, they come with new struggles to which I immediately turn over. I should also tell Josh I will do my best to learn my divine lessons a little faster so that they don't require him to suffer so much! :)
One other teeny-weeny lesson I've failed to mention until this point was the little issue of "accepting help" or "asking for help" when I needed it. It wasn't a pride thing at all. I think that what was really happening is that this also fell into the "controlling everything" bin... be it meals or housecleaning, I needed to and "could" do it all... or so I thought. Hands down. Meals have been one of the biggest assets provided to our family. In December, when they began to taper off, it was as if the safety net was removed and sure enough, I succeeded in learning to trust God. I stepped back into my role of caring for my family but now, despite the dramatic changes and the new challenges we face every day, we do it with Joy and Thanksgiving in our hearts! We have peace and trust in whatever God has planned for our day. So, have I learned to accept for and ask for help - well, this was the "short" story for yes. There was one instrumental individual that nudged me along the way - she didn't wait for me to ask and at times, didn't even tell me ahead of time - at times, this dear friend has said, Oh! Before you leave, there is a pan of stuffed shells in the fridge for you with bread and dessert - don't forget it! I could go on with all that I've learned and continue to learn from her... as well as from the wealth of Godly women that have come into my life to lift up our family. DOZENS of examples flash through my head.
So, 100 days later... The stitches in Josh's head have long been removed, his hand is uncasted and de-pinned and he's working on getting back the range of motion and later the strength. His neck is stiff but he is out of the c-collar and gaining movement with little to no pain. The fractures in his neck and middle back have healed well! The lower spinal fusion is healing well too - the next check up with the ortho-neuro surgeon isn't for 3 months! He's been cleared of any TBI (traumatic brain injury). His feet still hurt from time to time, but tomorrow afternoon, he goes in for more xrays and we'll see how close he is to being able to start putting some weight on the feet... and eventually walking again! Stay tuned.
100 days later, we're stronger and closer. We've had more lunch dates in the past 100 days than we've had in years! We've enjoyed an abundance of family time but it's also made us miss the girls even more when we need to leave them at CYS. We have a new dog - Cooper - a 1 year old Basset who is finally (after a month) housetrained... we hope.
100 days later, Hannah has turned 1 and learned how to walk before Josh and Morgan is getting the hang of the potty.
100 days later, I am able to relinquish my burdens and give God control of my life and accept peace, comfort and assurance in return.
19 September 2011
Deployment Day
Our brief skype from the hospital before it cut out.
The day I arrived in San Antonio - waiting for them to get him settled in his room.
Josh's Dad, Mike.
First time headed outside for Physical Therapy!!
Day 2 going outside for PT
So did Luke & Leslie!!!!
OT Practice Apartment at BAMC
I brought Josh over to the family center one afternoon - it was just nice to get away from the hospital for awhile, and he was finally able to see all that I was raving about!
Terri
WFSC - This place is GREAT!!
Veteran's Day, 2011
12 November - headed back to El Paso!
Saying goodbye to the best nurse ever - HUGE thanks JB
Our ride back to El Paso
19 December - decasting and unpinning the hand
Day 100 - Our Three Biggest Blessings
